2 Corinthians 12:9

‘But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.’ (NIV)
‘Each time he said, "My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness." So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me.’ (New Living Translation)

-2 Corinthians 12:9

I am finding it more and more that I am told that I am not enough, what I do is not enough, and there is always something bigger/better/more out there. I have been taught that I can always have better grades and even if I have the best grades, I can ask the teacher for extra credit and do more or take harder classes to bump my GPA above the 4.0 line; I have been taught that even if I am on a good sports team, there is someone or a record better; I am told that I can always be thinner, prettier, stronger, faster, nicer, more God-like even, etc. Simply, I am not enough and I won’t ever be. I fall short constantly of the expectations my family or friends have for me and the ones I have for myself. At the same time, I am given more than enough and told that I need more. More clothing, more money, more gadgets, more friends, etc. Even when you are full of food, we are encouraged to take more and eat more! Louis C.K. jokes about this and said in one of his performances, “I’m not done eating when I’m full, I’m done when I hate myself.” It becomes harder and harder to apply filters to our lives and understand when we have had enough of anything.

Definition of grace: the unmerited operation of God in the heart of man, effected through the agency of the Holy Spirit. Graceis not merely unmerited favor; it is favor bestowed on sinners who deserve wrath.

Last night, I fell off the wagon, fell short of what the expectations placed on me, fell short of what I thought God expects of me. So I prayed and talked to God, asking Him to wipe my slate clean and remove the guilt I was feeling. I remained quiet and asked Him to speak to me in some form, but I soon fell asleep. When I woke up this morning, the first part of this verse was echoing in my mind. My grace is sufficient. Although I have heard this verse in church and sung about, a new chord was struck inside of me and I picked it apart to figure out why. Not my grace, not my parents’ or my sister’s or my friends’, God’s grace, something I am completely undeserving of and the Highest of High’s grace, the only grace I yearn for and need, is the thing that is saving me. So His grace, which I defined before, and intangible thing that changes my heart of stone to clay that God can remold, is. It is. Not it was, not it only was worth something when Jesus was alive and teaching, but it is. God’s grace is not limited and expires after said amount of time, but it works now, in this moment. Even more, His grace is sufficient. It is enough. It is enough. It is not too little, but more importantly many believe that His grace is too much. It is not too much. Yes, it is unmerited, but it is the perfect amount, infinite. Why do we want or need it to be infinite? Because we infinitely sin and are incapable of stopping. We need His constant love and grace to wash away our constant evil.

The verse continues and says how God’s power works best when we are weak, when we are broken. Embracing our brokenness will allow God to work in our lives. We can gain as much physical strength as we want, but it is no match to God’s. He made the universe from nothing. How can we begin to compare? When we believe we are strong, our hearts become hardened and we think that God isn’t necessary all the time or anymore. And then we fall off the wagon, we hit rock bottom, etc. We are shown that, no, we are not strong nor will we ever be, no human strength can pick us up and allow us soar like eagles.

His grace will rest upon us, but the Greek word (EPISKANA) used means to cover like a tent. This tent is our shelter from the heat, from the bugs, from the storms, from outside forces that try to destroy us. The tent is our refuge. As a runner, during races, tents are set up at the end of the race to treat those who are injured and fatigued. During my marathon, I wanted nothing more than to see the medical tent at the end, to rest my exhausted body and get care for all of the part of me that hurt. God invites us to come to Him with weary souls in need of care to rest with him and allow His grace to cover us and protect us from all of the outside forces that wish to destroy us. So when we go to God with our weaknesses, He will care for us in every way possible, no matter what part of the race we are in.

Discussed at a previous Bible study, I see again that I am called to rest, do nothing, and allow God to take care of me no matter how wounded I may be. I have done nothing to deserve this grace and I just have to sit in his presence to receive it! What a gift! He provides exactly what I need exactly when I need it. He is the gardener and I am the vine. He is the tent and I am the tired soul inside. Father and daughter, King and His people, etc. All have to do with an overarching figure of love and care and those who would not survive without it. Is it not the King’s responsibility to call his citizens into the castled city when invaders come? Is it not the father’s responsibility to pick up his son/daughter and carry to safety when they fall off their bike? The gardener loves his fruit and ensures that it is being taken care of to the best of his ability. Etc. God’s best ability to care for us is the best ability we could ask for.

1 Cortinthians 13:4-8a

The Holy Spirit has been speaking to me in some pretty cool ways lately, mainly by placing certain verses on my heart and then giving me words to explain them or reflect on them longer than I have before so I discover something new about them. So I'm adding this now to my blog (and with the new handy dandy layout, you can choose a label to read about posts from a certain topic. So if you only want to read about Spain, click that label.) So here is the first of hopefully many more.

Boys. Love. Nowadays, what does that even mean? Do they truly hold high value like they once did? Did they ever have that high of a value? It appears that in my time they are things to be thrown around, discussed, brashly acted upon with no regard to how the man or woman will feel later. Sex is casual, the word love is used to describe affection for things versus people, and nights out with friends can easily turn into who many people we can kiss before we go home. Is there any regard or respect for the emotional implications of these actions? How it might affect us in the future? Our future relationships? Our future spouse(s)? Our future families and the values we teach our kids? How comfortable would you be telling your future children that you loved more people than their daddy? Could they trust that you will always love daddy? Or what about the time you got drunk enough that you couldn’t remember all the men you kissed or hooked up with? Yeah, it was a rager, but would you want your daughter to look up to you and say, “I want to do that too one day!”? I highly doubt it.

So then why do we do it? Are we truly that desperate that we can’t wait for marriage? Or until we are in a long serious relationship? We are taught now that love is something to be sung about and long after every day of our lives, to feel lonely if we aren’t in a relationship or even around friends! In fact, humans were made to love and give love. God created Adam to love, created Eve so they could love each other and love the Earth. For the Earth was good and made in God’s perfect image so to tend and care for the Earth was honoring and loving God. They were vulnerable and naked, and felt no shame. They were free to love without fear.

But this is not how we have been perceiving love anymore. In fact, many are afraid to love, afraid to reveal their feelings because of rejection. Shame has clothes us. Love is (usually) not an instant connection like the texting or Facebook we use; love is not smooth and clean but some of the best love endures messes and hardships. Look at Abraham and Sarah! Can you imagine having a child when you were 90 years old?! When your body might not work like it used to and have to chase around a toddler?! Look at Elizabeth and Zachariah: your husband can’t talk, can’t comfort, can’t communicate with his wife during her pregnancy (which I have heard can be even more emotionally crazy than a period.) Look at Mary and Joseph: Mary was to have a child, not to mention THE child of the history of Earth, before they were even married. In that time, what a disgrace that would be! Pregnant before marriage? These relationships were put to the test and pushed the limits of love farther than these couples could have known.

Relationships should have purpose and emotion behind it, not purely physical or lusting. Love is not always shown by kissing or holding hands or allowing someone access to our bodies. Don’t get me wrong, some people show their love mainly through physical touch, I am included in this category. Yet, when we begin to compromise God’s values, the values we strive for, we begin to lose touch with the emotional connection we feel between those touches with friends/a significant other. We shouldn’t be constantly looking for “the one” because no one can truly fit whatever standards we set for the perfect man or woman. At some point, they will let you down and you will be upset or angry with them. Actually, the Bible even tells us what the perfect love is in 1 Corinthians. “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, and it does not anger easily. Love keeps no records of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices in the truth. Love always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.” Answer this: does your past, current, or future partner have all these traits? No. Will they ever? No. Only God satisfies all these aspects of love and only Him. However, we should associate ourselves with people who aspire to demonstrate these traits and it is important to love in such a way that we reflect God’s love. Is it easy? No. Will it ever be? No.

Being a woman in today’s world, advertisements aim to destroy my self-image and my idea of love. In order for a guy to longing look at me, I need to be this skinny, wear Abercrombie distressed jeans (but not too distressed or else it looks trashy and then he won’t like me,) have the perfect smoky eye makeup that it looks sexy but natural, bed head hair that actually took hours to do, short and/or tight tops, etc. I should only buy this color clothing to compliment my skin tone, this color makeup to make my eyes and lips stand out, these types of shoes to appear taller, etc. Basically, buy things to make me look like someone I am not to attain a guy who wants something that I am not. To make it better, I am taught by movies/music/pop culture that if I go partying, I will get free drinks from guys because when I am drunk, I am more social and I dance more and I lower my guard, so that makes me more desirable, right? I am not afraid to “love” anymore when I am intoxicated. I am taught that love is nothing more than a one night stand and a 50% divorce rate because love doesn’t actually last and so what if I am impatient? I can find someone who will last in the meantime while looking for someone, or something, better.

Except this is not what God calls me, calls us to do. Outlined in 1 Corinthians, we are first and foremost called to be patient, to allow God to work in our lives and strategically bring in and weed out the people we need. Being patient is not something we have been taught, hence why people rush into marriages only to end with divorces, have premarital sex, lust after people they can’t have a relationship with because simply put, we are impatient people. Yet when we pray to God and rest in His love, we understand patience and gain opportunities to be patient, thus learning how to exhibit that aspect of love to other (which also in turn shows God’s love.) It ends with the unfailing aspect of love. All in all, at the end of the day, God’s love never fails. It does not desert us in our darkest times and it has existed from the beginning until the end of time. When we are lonely, if we ask God to be with us, His love will not fail you, He will hear your cries, and He will never abandon one of His precious children. Even when we turn our backs on God and sin, He still loves us! It is near impossible for humans to exert such a type of love! We become jealous or bitter or angry in these cases and often we think, “Even if they came back, I wouldn’t want anything to do with them.” Although we don’t always follow through with this thought and may invite those who turned away from us back into our lives, God never thinks this. He opens His arms wide and patiently waits for us to come back. See how the aspects intermingle? If you work on a few of them, more than likely you will also radiate others as well.

 Perhaps I should have started with the context of this section of the Bible as well as the verses surrounding it. Basically, we are incapable of truly loving if we do not know the love of God. In Corinth, people were abusing their spiritual gifts and showing off rather than using them for love or God’s intention. Their, our, charitable acts and “good heart,” do not grow us or benefit us, yet when we have God and are a mirror of His love, the greatest love story in history, He grows us on the vine, He tends to us, and helps us yield more than anything we could have before we knew of His love. Loving is the greatest gift we can give! When we love, the world does not become a place of one night stands and 50% divorce rates anymore.

So where does this leave me in the love and boy situation? Sometimes I still feel confused what a guy actually means when he sends me a text message, but I am confident through God that when I focus on following Jesus, God will bring the man who will love me with a striving love for Him first and me second.

Here I Am

So I have yet to post in a month... And to be quite honest, I have been purposefully putting it off, almost dreading it. I really don't want to face the truth that my exchange is done. I am home, whatever that word means. I am not home, my home for the past year was in Spain, so how do I answer one of the most asked questions, "Are you happy to be home?" Well, I'm not really home.

Other top questions people like to ask:
**Legend: Q=question, A=what I actually say, A=what I am thinking/want to say**
Q: How was your trip?
A: It was so fantastic!
A: It wasn't exactly a trip, it was my life. It was great, it sucked, I was happy and sad and angry and every emotion I would experience if I were in the States, but just in Spain.

Q: What was the best part?
A: Probably being able to travel a lot!
A: ... One part? There is no 'one part.' I adored it all, even when I was upset and depressed, I was still in Spain. I liked how the overcast weather made it beautiful for taking walks on the beach. I liked how my host mom would make baked fresh lemon fish with a soup every Sunday. I liked how my Judith and I would doodle pictures together every day and her cute laugh when I tried to speak Gallego once.

Q: What was your favorite place you went?
A: I really enjoyed Tenerife!
A: Every spot. Every single palce was unique in its own way and I liked them all. I want to live in Granada, I had some of the most memorable moments on a cruise ship, Barcelona captured my heart, there is nothing like the rolling mountains with small farm houses perched on them like in Leon.

Q: Do you think you will ever go back?
A: Absolutely I will!
A: My family is there. A part of my life is there. How could I not go back? It's everything I did and did not want in a year. Spain takes up so much room in my heart now that it would be impossible to never go back.

Q: What's the best part about being home?
A: Probably driving, it's nice to be able to get around now!
A: Okay, I like to drive and I missed my church and Bible study on Monday nights more than most things, but my home is also in Spain... The best part about being in Spain is... See question above.

I am sorry that I am a little angsty over this. Yes, I am happy to be back in MINNESOTA and in the house I grew up in, but mentioned numerous times before, home isn't always a structure. Don't underestimate me though, I am already looking for the soonest study abroad opportunity or plane ticket or road trip to somewhere new and exciting. Adventure is in my system, so, I'm sorry mom and dad, I can't stay still for too long and I'll be gone again before you know it. So who wants to live on a sailboat with me and sail through Southest Asia? Or motorcycle with me through South America? Maybe even take a long drive down to Tennessee. I just need to go.

Luckily, college is right around the corner and that is an adventure in itself. And can I say, I could not be more excited. In fact, during orientation, I immediately bonded with the girl standing next to me because she was an exchange student in Italy the past year! What are the chances?! I will be attending the University of Minnesota Twin Cities and living on campus I believe in Middlebrook in the honors community. No, I do not know my roommate but I will find that out at the end of July! My classes are Spanish, Portuguese for Spanish speakers, service in the Chicano/Latino communities of Minneapolis, bio/physics of a language, and introduction to the college of liberal arts at the U which all add up to 16 credits. But seriously, I am more than excited for college. Let's go gophers!

In the meantime, I am hanging out with friends as much as possible, baking, getting coffee, going to Bible study/church, being a high school leader for Wednesday night youth group, and today I just started work again back at the bank. If you happen to need a babysitter, petsitter, someone to water your plants, etc. or know someone else who might be interested, please let me know! I am taking any and all work this summer before I go away again to start paying for college... Why can't university be cheap like it is in Europe? I also ask a lot of "Why can't the USA do things like they did in Spain?" For example: how conscious are you of when you leave lights or the TV on and you leave the room? It drives me nuts now and I point it out to my family all the time. Ask them. Or how we eat lunch so early! 12:00PM is NOT lunch time, 2:00-3:00PM is. Or dinner at 5:00PM? Try 9:00PM. Why can't Minnesota have mountains or the ocean? Or have the country (state) right next to us speak another language? Why can't we have good seafood? Why, why, why? Oh, that's right, because we are in the good old United States and not Europe. But we should take good notes.

I will say, the day after I got home, I went to church I think for almost 3 hours and as soon as I walked into the worship center, I cried. To make it even worse, they band played my song. My theme of last summer and the one that kept me going while I was in Spain: "Oceans (Where Feet May Fail)" by Hillsong United. I can say in that moment, I was home, I was in God's home and in a place where His presence was never ending. Bible study has been the highlight of every week and spending time with my friends from that group. God strategically places people in my life exactly when I need them, and these friends are no exception. They ask the hard questions and tell me when I need to change what I am doing. They are blessing my life every day and helping me see how the Lord is working within me.

~Ashlyn

P.S. Surprising my mom went perfect. She was more than surprised and we cried... A lot... I will get the video uploaded sometime soon to my blog!